On Change

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The ubiquitous serenity prayer: known to most everyone, particularly those familiar with 12-step groups. I have always found peace in its message – a sense of comfort in the reminder that although there is much over which I have no control, my burden is lessened.

Accepting the Things We Cannot Change

Have you ever felt as though you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders? Some of that weight likely involves situations and people that you try in vain to change, and come up feeling frustrated, anxious, and powerless. Could it be that you are seeking to control or change that which is effectively out of your hands? It can be difficult to recognize when we are fighting a losing battle. We become so entrenched in trying to change the unchangeable that we lose the ability to see the forest for all the trees.

Consider relationships. How many times have you experienced struggle in a relationship and found yourself pressing the other person to change a behavior or characteristic? You want your spouse to stop drinking, or become more attentive, or stop being verbally abusive. You may employ tactics such as confrontation, passive-aggressiveness, manipulation, bribing, or pleading. You may walk around on eggshells, fearful of doing something to set off unwanted behaviors. Accepting powerlessness when you are truly powerless over a situation is liberating. Take a realistic self-inventory of the people and situations over which you have been spinning your wheels and decide to set those burdens down. It frees up energy so that you can focus on that over which you do have control.

Finding Courage to Change the Things We Can

Suffering can be immobilizing, and resistance to change can be due to a variety of factors. You may resist changing a negative behavior, situation, or relationship because you fear that even worse consequences will result. You may feel powerless over things that are actually under your control, and you think, feel, or believe you are not in control. As in the previous guidance on taking inventory over what you cannot change, it can help to take a realistic look at your situation and evaluate what truly IS in your control.

If you are in a negative relationship and feel paralyzed, for example, determine whether there are options. You may not be able to change your partner’s behaviors or feelings, but you can choose whether to remain in that relationship. You can choose your responses to situations that are beyond your control.

Try this exercise: think of a situation or problem you have. Draw a line down a piece of paper and list the aspects you cannot change on the left hand side. Now list the aspects you do have control over on the right hand side. Also list the possible actions you can take to change the situation, even the actions you may not want to take right now. You may find that you have more control over the situation than you thought! Weigh your options and then decide what course of action is right for you.

Finding the courage to change comes after you determine what you need to change. On another piece of paper, write the action you want to take at the top. Then draw another line down the page and write the potential positive results of taking action on the left side. Will taking action remove you from an unhealthy relationship? Could it result in a better job? Open you up to more opportunities? Improve your self-esteem? Then list the possible negative outcomes of the action on the right side.

Once you’ve done this, if you decide to make the change you’re considering, formulate a plan of action. Be specific. What will you do? What will you say? How will you act once you’ve made this change? It might help to talk to a counselor or other trusted individuals close to you as you explore this.

Achieving the Wisdom to Know the Difference

This is perhaps the most important piece – how do we accept what we cannot change and change the things we can if we don’t know which is which? This speaks, in part, to the concept of locus of control, which refers to our beliefs regarding why things happen as they do. This concept can be thought of as a continuum, ranging from internal to external locus of control.

If you have an entirely internal locus of control, you believe that you are ultimately in control over your experiences and circumstances. You believe that what happens in your life is the result of your own efforts. This mindset is commonly thought of as psychologically healthier because you feel more in charge of your life and what happens to you. Just be careful not to take responsibility for too much – because, as mentioned, you may not be in direct control over the actions of others, or over random events that might arise that derail your efforts. For example, if a person with a strong internal locus of control works hard to climb the corporate ladder, then gets laid off due to massive budget cuts, it can be difficult not to blame himself.

If your locus of control is entirely external, you are convinced that your experiences and circumstances are outside your control. You believe that you are utterly powerless to change any negativity that comes your way. You may have adopted a victim mentality. These individuals risk depression and anxiety, as an entirely external locus of control contributes to feelings of hopelessness. You may lack motivation to follow helpful advice from concerned friends and professionals because, inside, you truly believe that you cannot affect the outcome. The messages that you give yourself may contribute to this unhealthy way of thinking. “Bad things always happen to me.” “Nobody will hire me with my resume, so why bother trying?” “I’m stuck in this relationship.”  What messages do you tell yourself that keep you immobilized?  Chances are, some of this self-talk is untrue and prevents you from gaining the courage to change.

Learning to objectively decipher the difference between what we CAN and cannot change is a crucial key to achieving a strong sense of self-worth, a positive attitude, and happiness!

P.S. I have chosen to enable the ability of readers to comment on my posts. I look forward to hearing from you!