On Forgiveness

“He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.”
–George Herbert (Welsh poet, orator, and priest)


Have you ever been baffled by one of those stories where someone forgives someone else for something seemingly unforgiveable? For example, a mother forgives the drunk driver who killed her teenager. A man forgives the stepfather who molested him as a child. Did you find yourself infuriated and perplexed, wondering, “How in the world could they forgive that person? Are these people insane?”

More likely than not, these individuals forgave in the sense of ceasing their own anger and resentment. It was for their own healing. Forgiveness in the sense I am describing today is not about making it “okay” or removing the responsibility from the person who did something heinous or hurtful. It’s not about condoning or excusing a horrible act. In fact, forgiveness is not really about the other person at all. It is about the forgiver.

You have probably felt vengeful toward someone who has wronged you. You may have thought to yourself, “If only I could punish that person, or make him or her feel as badly as I feel, I would feel better.” The truth is, revenge does not promote healing, and it rarely lessens the sufferer’s pain. This is not to say that people should not be held accountable for their actions, but expecting to feel better after “settling a score” is largely unrealistic.

Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It cleanses you of the soul-stealing, health-harming emotions of anger, resentment, and bitterness. These emotions can grow like a cancer, eating you up inside and taking over your life. You might put up a wall with other people in your life in the hope that it will protect you from being hurt again. It can result in a reduced ability to trust even trustworthy people, leaving you alone and consumed by hatred. How can you possibly heal if you cannot let go of that pain? When you develop the capacity to forgive, you release the hold that the person, the wrongful act, has over you.

Before you embark on a journey toward forgiveness, make sure you’ve recognized and worked through your negative feelings as best you can. Denying any looming anger and bitterness and attempting to “force” forgiveness is inadvisable. Beyond this, the first step toward forgiveness is recognizing what it is and what it is not. Knowing that it is about YOU and that it can help you heal is a step in the right direction. As with many self-improvement concepts, it is a process rather than an event. Do not feel discouraged if you cannot let go of the painful emotions right away. Here are some exercises that may help nudge you down the path of healing:

1. Write a letter to the person who hurt you. Tell the person how the act affected you. How do you feel about the act? How do you feel toward the person who hurt you? Then tell the person that you intend to take steps to let go of your negative feelings (e.g. hate, revenge, resentment) so that you can reclaim your power and begin to heal. I do not suggest that you send this letter… it is for you.

2. Engage in some self-talk. Ask yourself whether your negative feelings will right the wrong that someone has done to you. Will plotting revenge really undo what has been done? Will seething anger toward the offender result in anything positive? Answer these questions honestly, and remind yourself that letting go of the painful feelings is the only way to free yourself.

3. Practice deep breathing, relaxation techniques, and/or meditation. Resources on these topics abound, and perhaps in a future post I will address them. For now, know that these techniques can help you deal with anger and bitterness.


Note that these suggestions do not include steps toward repairing any relationship with the person who wronged you, if that is even possible or desired. That is a whole different topic and is beyond the scope of this post. Finally, if you find you are having trouble taking steps toward forgiveness, please consider seeking help from a therapist with experience in this area.